220 Dad Jokes

Dad jokes are cheesy and corny but let’s be honest, they can be really funny too. Sure, they’re not the kind of jokes you hear from comedians but they are the perfect way to cheer up your friends and family after having a bad day or can also break the ice when meeting new people.

Dad jokes are a great way to bond with family and friends so they must be shared more often. The next time you are in a group setting, start the fun with this compilation of dad jokes we prepared for you, laugh as loud as you can and cherish every moment with your loved ones.

 

Funny Dad Jokes

 

1. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

 

2. If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

 

3. What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and glue? You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna. What about the glue? I knew you’d get stuck on that.



4. Is there a hole in your shoe? No. Then how’d you get your foot in it?



5. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

 

6. Today, my son asked “Can I have a bookmark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

 

7. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

 

8. Dad: I was just listening to the radio on my way into town, apparently, an actress just killed herself.

Mom: Oh my. Who?

Dad: Uh, I can’t remember. I think her name was Reese something?

Mom: Witherspoon?

Dad: No, it was with a knife.

 

9. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

 

10. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

 

11. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

 

12. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

13. The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell “Donald, duck.”

 

14. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

 

15. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

 

16. What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

 

17. My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me.

 

18. A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

 

19. My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one-armed mothers do it?” Without missing a beat I replied, “Single handedly.”

 

20. When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there.

 

21. My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

 

22. Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm it would be justwater.

 

dad jokes

 

23. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

24. Mom: How do I look?

Dad: With your eyes.

 

25. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.



26. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “Grrrrrraaaaiiinnnnssss!”

 

27. Spring is here. I got so excited I wet my plants.

 

28. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

 

29. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

 

30. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

 

31. I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson. He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”

 

32. Kid: Dad, make me a sandwich.

Dad: Poof, you’re a sandwich.

 

33. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

 

34. What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.

 

35. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey.

 

36. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

 

37. When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.

 

38. If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.

 

39. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

 

40. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

 

41. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

 

42. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

 

43. I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

 

44. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

 

45. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

 

46. Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

 

47. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

 

48. Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

 

49. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

 

50. Me: I’ll call you later.

Dad: Don’t call me later, call me Dad.

 

dad joke

 

51. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant

 

52. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

 

53. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.

 

54. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

 

55. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

 

56. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

 

57. The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.

 

58. Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

 

59. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

 

60. Five out of four people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

 

61. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

 

62. What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

 

63. What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

 

64. I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

 

65. To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket. You can hide but you can’t run.

 

66. The rotation of earth really makes my day.

 

67. I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts

 

68. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

 

69. I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot.

 

70. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

 

71. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.

 

72. A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

 

73. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

 

74. Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

 

75. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

 

76. People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

 

77. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

 

funny dad jokes

 

78. Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.’”

 

79. My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’

 

80. I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

 

81. If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

 

82. I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

 

83. I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there.

 

84. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

 

85. How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise, they’d be uncles.

 

86. Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it.

 

87. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.

 

88. The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

 

89. I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

 

90. I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

 

91. Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP.

 

92. What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great.

 

93. What did one snowman say to the other one?  “Do you smell carrots?”

 

94. How do you make a tissue dance?  You put a little boogie in it.

 

95. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container?  It said concentrate.

 

96. If your nose runs and your feet smell, you’re built upside down.

 

97. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

 

98. How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

 

99. What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

 

100. What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers.

 

101. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

 

102. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

103. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

 

104. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

 

105. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs.” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms.”

 

106. Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

 

107. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

 

108. What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.

 

109. Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

 

110. What do you call a man with no nose and no body? Nobody nose.

 

111. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

 

112. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.

 

113. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.

 

114. My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

 

115. I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

 

funny dad joke

 

116. Without geometry life is pointless.

 

117. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

 

118. I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge.

 

119. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

 

120. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

 

121. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

 

122. A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently, the survivors are marooned.

 

123. I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.

 

124. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

 

125. What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

 

126. How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.

 

127. What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.

 

128. Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.

 

129. Breaking news. Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.

 

130. A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”

 

131. Me: Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places.

Doctor: Well don’t go to those places.

 

132. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

 

133. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

 

134. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

 

135. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

 

136. Slept like a log last night woke up in the fireplace.

 

137. We were getting fast food when the lady at the window said, ‘Any condiments?’ My dad responded, ‘Compliments? You look very nice today!’

 

138. A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

 

139. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.

 

140. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

 

141. What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? A: catch up.

 

142. What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe? 400 Million Dollars.

 

143. What did baby corn say to mama corn? Where’s popcorn?

 

144. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

 

145. What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

 

146. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

 

147. What’s made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.

 

148. Our wedding was so beautiful. Even the cake was in tiers.

 

149. I hate jokes about German sausages. They’re the wurst.

 

150. Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

 

151. Q: Can February March?

A: No, but April May.

 

best dad jokes

 

152. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

 

153. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called? Cellphies

 

154. I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.

 

155, I advertised the following item on our local radio program: For sale: Small push-type lawnmower. Brand-new, $40. One person called and asked if the lawnmower was a single or double cylinder. I told him, “It depends on how fast you walk.”

 

156. Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.

 

157. I’ve decided Hershey’s chocolate is too feminist for my taste.  I’m switching to HisHey’s

 

158. Idk why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk. He is essentially a giant banner.

 

159. I’ll never date another apostrophe. The last one was too possessive.

 

160. What do you call a row of people lifting mozzarella? A cheesy pick up line.

 

161. I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

 

162. It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

 

163. What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.

 

164. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.

 

165. So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-sticks, and put it on my bill.”

 

166. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

 

167. Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

 

168. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

 

169. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls.

 

170. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

 

171. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

 

172. How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

 

173. Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

 

174. What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.

 

175. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

 

176. A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”

 

177. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

 

178. I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now I’m feeling a little Eel.

 

179. What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

 

180. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

 

181. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

 

182. Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

 

183. What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo.

 

184. Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

 

185. Me: Hold on, I have something in my shoe.

Friend: I’m pretty sure it’s a foot.

 

186. Me: Dad I’m hungry.

Dad: Hi hungry. I’m dad.

 

187. When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.

 

188. I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’

 

189. Me: Where’s the bin?

Dad: I haven’t been anywhere.

 

190. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

 

great dad jokes

 

191. I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

 

192. What do you call an alligator that works on Wall Street? An Invest-i-gator.

 

193. What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.

 

194. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.

 

195. You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there?
European.

 

196. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

 

197. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

 

198. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

 

199. So a vowel saves another vowel’s life. The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you.”

 

200. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it.

 

201. I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

 

202. My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I told him, “No it doesn’t.”

 

203. Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet.’

 

204. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

 

205. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

 

206. I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa.

 

207. I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work.

 

208. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

 

209. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.

210. After dinner. my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.

 

211. My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs.

 

212. I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

213. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

 

214. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

215. A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: “Occupation?” The German replies: “No, just a holiday.”

 

216. A Briton walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, “Do you have any felony convictions?” The Briton replies, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

 

217. Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.

 

218. The creator of the knock knock joke should get a Nobel prize.

 

219. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

 

220. Why don’t you ever want to run in front of a car? You’ll get tired. Why don’t you ever want to run behind a car? You’ll get exhausted.

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