What’s the best medicine for when you’re feeling down? That’s right, cake…but laughter is also pretty good, and has fewer calories too.
That’s why dad humor is always light. It makes you chuckle or groan or roll your eye, but it’s also warm and good for you. And you know what? If the bakery is closed, and you’re yearning for some funny dad quotes, well…we’ve got you covered right here.
Funny Dad Quotes
1. My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. – Spike Milligan
2. Dad is a big Pokemon Go player. Once, while folding clothes, he exclaimed “Alright, I caught all the laundrymon”.
3. You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet. -Neil Patrick Harris
4. The worst thing that can happen to a man is when his wife comes home and he has lost the kid. “How did everything go?” “Great, we’re playing hide and seek… and he’s winning”. – Sinbad
5. Everybody takes daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything’s “momma”. “Always loved my mama. Mama, mama, mama”. What’s the dad song? “Papa Was a Rolling Stone”. – Chris Rock
6. My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child, which is ridiculous because I don’t like any of them.
7. When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape. – Dave Attell
8. I gave my father $100 and said “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier”. So he went out and bought a present for my mother. – Rita Rudner
9. My wife just let me know I’m about to become a father for the first time. The bad news is that we already have two kids. – Brian Kiley
10. My sisters and I can still recite Dad’s grilling rules: Rule No. 1, Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2, Repeat Rule No. 1. – Connie Schultz
11. He’s looking for danger at all times. We’re just trying to keep him alive. – Jason Sudeikis
12. I asked my dad for a BB gun, but he said we were a tribe of worriers, not warriors. – Hilary Price
13. Dad mixing geography and biology: “What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?” “They’re both Paris sites.”
14. I love my dad because even though he has Alzheimer’s, he remembers the important things. He can’t remember my name, but last week he told me exactly how much money I owe him. – Thyra Lees-Smith
15. Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes. – Chris Martin
16. My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free x-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage. – Glenn Super
17. Whenever I fail as a father or husband, a toy and a diamond always work. – Shahrukh Khan
18. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. – Jack Handey
19. My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo. – Bob Monkhouse
20. To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years. – Ernest Hemingway
21. Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows. – Al Unser
22. There should be a children’s song, “If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep”. – Jim Gaffigan
23. Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. – Red Buttons
24. I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. – Eugene Mirman
25. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. – Jon Stewart
26. My daughter got me a World’s Best Dad mug. So we know she’s sarcastic. – Bob Odenkirk
27. If you ever want to torture my dad, tie him up and right in front of him refold a map incorrectly. – Cathy Ladman
28. Once, my dad went to the grocery store and the cashier asked if he wanted the milk in the bag, he said “just leave it in the carton”.
29. My sister once asked my dad what he thought of her dating someone named Hansel, all he said back was “I bet you’d regGRETEL that”.
30. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. – Rodney Dangerfield
31. Watching “Chicken Run”, my dad suddenly exclaimed “Yeah, right. All those chickens working together like that.”
32. “Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?” “In case they get a hole in one!”
33. Dad, listening to me teaching mom how to put an app on her iPhone. Me: Go to the App Store. Dad: You have to go to the store?
34. My dad told me he accidentally swallowed some scrabble pieces and he wasn’t looking forward to his next bowel movement. “It could spell disaster”.
35. Dad walks into a restaurant. The waiter asks “Do you want a table or a booth?”, he answers “No thanks, I want a cheeseburger and fries”.
36. Whenever I would tell my dad that I was going to the bathroom he would reply, “Mention my name and you’ll get a good seat”.
37. My Dad used to ask us to turn up the TV by saying “Make them people talk louder”.
You may also enjoy: 110 I love My Dad Quotes.
38. “How do you track Will Smith in the snow?” “You follow the fresh prints”. And that’s why we don’t watch TV together anymore.
39. Mom: Who should we put as our emergency contact for the cruise? Dad: The Coast Guard.
40. My Dad always says, “I’m a fart smeller. I mean a smart father.”
41. While driving, my dad would often yell, “Quick, grab paper and pencil”. As we searched and asked why, he’d say “It says Draw Bridge.”
42. My dad used to tell me, “Remember, if a stranger offers you candy, make sure that there is enough to go around”.
43. Checking out at Walmart, my dad yells “Ok, its time to get you back to the ward before they realize you got out.”
44. Went to dinner at a baseball-themed restaurant and before every order, he would point to us and say “And now up to bat..”
45. “If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?” “Pilgrims.” It’s not even Thanksgiving yet…
46. I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war. – George W. Bush
47. Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up. – Ray Romano
48. When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. – Mark Twain
49. Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks. – Jim Gaffigan
50. When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’. He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’ – Jerry Lewis
51. I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say, ‘Yeah? When?’ – Bill Hicks
52. My husband is English so I figured he’d have some thoughts about the royal wedding back in May, at the very least. “So how do you feel?” I asked him, just as Meghan was about to walk down the aisle. “I feel comfortable,” he said, gesturing to the couch. Yep, that’s all I got.
53. Asked my dad what’s wrong, he says “I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.”
54. I called my dad to see if he had a stud finder and he casually replied, “Mom’s at work.”
55. A teen shouted at his Dad: “It’s not your job to embarrass me”. He replied, “I know.” Then smiled and said, “It’s one of the perks”.
56. On my first driving lesson, we passed the cemetery and my dad said, ”Buckle up, that’s where the bad drivers go”.
57. Once my dad came to my band show and didn’t take any pictures. I asked him why and he said: “Nobody wants to remember this”.
58. “It was you or another cat. Make sure I don’t regret this.” – my husband speaking to our son when he was born.
59. My dad told me back then, “When you start a new job, don’t talk a lot. This way they won’t know how dumb you are”. I said, “Thanks, dad”. Guess he was right.
60. At the airport, my dad said, “Put one shoe in each suitcase so if it gets stolen they can’t wear your shoes”.
61. My dad asked me, “Son, have I been a good father?”. I said, “Dad, you’re the best. Why do you ask?”. He said, “I wanted to make sure the way you turned out is your fault”. – Stu Trivax
62. I phoned my dad to tell him I stopped smoking. He called me a quitter. – Steven Pearl
63. You gotta love dads. At my wedding, when I tripped on my wedding dress and fell flat on my face, Dad said, “Don’t worry, you’ll do better next time”. – Melanie White
64. My father didn’t ask me to leave home. He took me down to the highway and pointed. – Henny Youngman
65. I am an expert on electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. – W. C. Fields
66. My dad used to say, always fight fire with fire, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. – Harry Hill
67. I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies. – Tony
68. My dad’s been around the block a time or two. That’s about as far as he can go without getting lost. – Melanie White
69. My dad said I’d never amount to anything. Lucky guess. – David Cousins
70. My dad’s pants kept creeping up on him. By 65 he was just a pair of pants and a head. – Jeff Altman
71. My father hugged me only once, on my 21st birthday. It was very awkward. I now know what it was that made me feel uncomfortable: the nudity. – Ray Romano
72. Just walking along and dad would stop and say something like “What do you call a factory that makes okay products?” “A satisfactory”. He’d then just continue walking like nothing had happend.
73. My dad is not real bright, but I love the guy. We go to this trophy shop because my basketball team won second place. We were in this shop and there are trophies everywhere. My dad looks around and says, “This guy is really good”. – Fred Wolf
74. I remember coming back from school one day, dad was on the sofa, he just asked “What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?” “Supplies!”. That’s how I know he didn’t get me a present for my birthday.
75. My dad, 86 years old and he’s still working. God bless him. He’s a pimp, and he’s out there every night. – Jonathan Katz
76. My dad’s hearing is gone, and his mind is slowly following. He called me up the other night, very excited. He said, “Jonathan, when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don’t have to turn on the light; the light goes on automatically. When I’m done, the light goes off automatically”. I said, “Dad, you’re peeing in the fridge, and it’s got to stop”. – Jonathan Katz
77. All fathers are intimidating because they’re fathers. Once a man has children, his attitude is, “To hell with the world. I can make my own people. I’ll eat whatever I want. I’ll wear whatever I want. And I’ll create whoever I want.” – Jerry Seinfeld
78. A Father is one whose daughter marries a man who is vastly her inferior but then gives birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren.
79. One day my boys will wise up and realize they get to stay up playing video games only as long as I’m winning. – AristotlesNZ
80. Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.” – Mike Myers
81. Once, on my birthday, dad askes, “Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet”. He didn’t even get me a record.
82. Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive. – Rodney Dangerfield
83. My father makes money the American way. He trips over stuff and sues people. – Dominic Dierkes
84. Most of the time I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake. – Jim Gaffigan
85. “Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?” “Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.”
86. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —Jerry Seinfeld
87. Just thought my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. – Conan O’Brien
88. We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, ‘He wants his mother.’ – Erma Bombeck
89. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children. – Clarence Darrow
Read also: 125 First Father’s Day Quotes.
90. Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story. Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions. Four-year-old: Why? – James Breakwell
91. Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. – John Kinnear
92. On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom. – Ryan Reynolds
93. I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know — as far as they are concerned anyway — ’cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool — especially when I dance. They don’t want me to dance. – Tim McGraw
94. I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish, I’m very good at gibberish now. – Elton John
95. Taye Diggs “How come my 3-year-old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur, and I can’t even remember my home phone number?”
96. My dad called and said he was buying something to bring us closer together, it was 2 burial plots next to each other.
97. Last Thanksgiving I told my dad that families are supposed to be kind and loving. His response? “Eh, find another family”.
98. I told my dad I was moving to Hawaii and he said, “All them island will sink at the end of time”.
99. “She is a liberated woman, she doesn’t have to wear a bra”, my dad said about my 64-year-old mother.
100. At the zoo, with my dad, he turns to us and says, “Girls, I just stepped on a frog”. We rushed over and realized he had farted.
101. “You can’t scare me. I have two daughters”.
102. It annoys the hell out of me whenever my dad would say, “You’re entitled to your own opinion, but not your own facts.”
103. “Even though I’m proud my dad invented the rearview mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.” —Stewart Francis
104. Dad, you’ve always been the coolest. Like all those times you said “Yes” when mom said “No.”
105. I asked my dad if I looked fat in my bathing suit at the beach and he said, “Keep drinking and you won’t care”.
106. When I was little, my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
107. My dad always tells me, “Don’t use your turn signal. It’s no one else’s business where you’re going.”
108. Dad, thanks for being slightly less embarrassing than all the other dads.
109. I’ve been putting up with your crap all this time. Sometimes literally.
110. I overheard mom telling dad, “Congratulations on being a year older and still maintaining such a low level of maturity. You are truly an inspiration.”
111. “Remember: What Dad really wants is a nap. Really.” —Dave Barry
112. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” —Steve Martin
113. With age come new skills. You can laugh, cough, sneeze, and pee all the same time.
114. Life doesn’t come with a tool kit, it comes with a Dad.
115. Dad, you’re even cooler than my iPad speech app.
116. “My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.” —Jeff Foxworthy
117. Hang on guys, I think my toddler is getting to the good part of his four-hour long story and I don’t want to miss it.
118. On our way to the airport, I was very nervous traveling to Europe solo for the first time. My dad out of nowhere asked, “So you’ve seen that movie Taken, right? I’m not him.”
119. When I was older, my Dad admitted that he always threw the baseball right at my head. He said, “You learned how to catch pretty quick.”
120. Friendly career advice from my father: “Never take a job where you can be replaced by a bucket of sand”.
121. My dad always said, “You better go to church every Sunday. We need somebody into this family to go to heaven.”
122. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. – Martin Mull
123. “Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24 to 36 hours.” —Conan O’Brien
124. By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong. —Charles Wadsworth
125. My dad took an entire cake into his bedroom once. A few seconds later I heard him quietly whisper to himself “Okay, let’s do this.”
126. The worst part about being a parent is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool. —Rob Delaney
127. My dad told me, “When you get pulled over and a cop asks you to say the alphabet just say, “The alphabet””.
128. “The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” —Tim Russert
129. I told my dad to take vitamins and he says “I’m good, I take Vitamin B every day. Vitamin Bud Light.”
130. I know that if my mom fell and screamed for help, my dad would jump right up to rescue her as soon as it was halftime.– Bruce Cameron
131. For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need. –Will Ferrell
132. All during the pregnancy, when I was supposed to be reading baby books and taking baby classes and learning baby CPR didn’t really go to waste because I did use the time to shop for the perfect video camera. – Paul Reiser
133. While cooking, dad leans over and says “How do you repair a broken tomato?”, “Tomato Paste”.
134. I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is the kids. –Andy Richter
135. You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby. –Jim Gaffigan
136. I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, “Oh my god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship; it’s a Costco, dad. –Judd Apatow
137. I heard dad ranting the other day saying, “You know what I need? A selfie stick. So whenever I see someone taking a selfie, I can hit them with the stick.”
138. Me: I need to get in shape. Dad: round is a shape.
139. I told my dad that my grades weren’t that good and he said, “better get the snorkel ready if you’re going below C level”.
140. We see a McDonald’s. We got so excited. We started chanting, “McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s!”. And my dad pulled into the drive thru and we started cheering. And then, he ordered one black coffee for himself… and kept driving. My dad is cold-blooded. –John Mulaney
141. My dad really knows how to calm my egotistical self down. He said, “Oh sure, you’re street smart. Sesame Street smart.”
142. When your wife is pregnant and you’re expecting, everyone is like, ‘It’s incredible. Get ready, it’s magic. It’s the most life-changing experience you’ll ever have. Brace yourself for heaven.’ And then the second the baby comes everyone is like, ‘WELCOME TO HELL”.–Andy Samberg