FatherTime: Stories on the Heart and Soul of Fathering


FatherTime
Stories on the Heart and Soul of Fathering

reviewed by J. Steven Svoboda



FatherTime. By Christopher Scribner, Ph.D. & Chris Frey, M.S.W. St.
Louis, Missouri: Insight Output, 2001. 242 pp.

This collection of first-hand stories about fathering contributed
by two dads who double as therapists is well worth a look,
particularly for any future or current dads interested in comparing
notes with a couple eloquent peers who have been there. If
FatherTime does not always manage to maintain its course at the
dizzying heights it initially suggests it may reach and to which it
periodically ascends, it nevertheless provides enough wisdom and
satisfaction to amply repay the cost of the trip. Scribner and
Frey write engagingly; it is quite easy to do as I did and read the
entire book in an afternoon without even intending to do so.

FatherTime starts out fantastically. Scribner frankly discusses
his need with the birth of his second child and first son to
rediscover his passion. It was not enough that he be a COMPETENT
father; Scribner also needed to be a JOYFUL parent. We are
reminded that for all the much discussed (and deplored) influence
of the various multimedia and cultural distractions of today,
fathers remain the most vital influence on children’s views of men
and masculinity.

Scribner and Frey proceed to set forth a few well-chosen principles
of fathering. Be a presence in the lives of your children, be
self-aware, find the joy in fathering, provide a safe haven for
your children, honor the mother’s presence and importance, and
model accountability and integrity. The book is beautifully
produced with a cover photograph of an infant’s hand wrapped around
his father’s finger.




FatherTime then moves on to provide a series of real-life vignettes
extracted from the notebooks of two dads named Chris. Some subtle
wisdom is harvested from the simple act of a father hoisting his
son to give him the advantage of the father’s height. Dad
overcomes his fears about dropping him and finds answers to the
questions this experience opens up. “Another part of fathering is
the child inspiring the father to resume growing.” Frey provides
a rich vignette of “the day I began to call my dad… my friend.”
Scribner responds with a more bittersweet tale of learning how much
he and his father missed with each other. Later, a loving act of
confrontation by Frey’s fishing buddy toward a verbally abusive
father who is fishing nearby with his sons seems to touch the lives
of everyone present.

Dad transforms yardwork into yardplay, proving that “play and work
are not opposites.” A broken golf club from a borrowed set of
clubs provides a wonderful teaching opportunity on accountability.
We get to read a charming script of one way to play with a son
upset about his mother’s departure for work.

The lessons, when we get them, can be as refreshing and unexpected
as a lung-numbing breath of chilly air. An ice skating outing
provides dad an opportunity to learn to let his child do the work
she needs to do (in this case, struggling to skate on her own
without Dad) even if it may be uncomfortable for him and other
adults to do so. When his presence is wanted, on the other hand,
it can be a very fatherly role to provide a child with a felicitous
combination of physical security plus encouragement to take a risk.
The extent to which Dad is able to tolerate and accept his
children’s fears mirrors the extent to which he can tolerate his
own.

Pacifiers provide a nice duo of stories. In round one, Dad helps
his daughter to lay her pacifier to rest by organizing with Mom a
highly ceremonious “funeral” for all the relics of her babyhood,
which were then retired into a shrine in the basement. Scribner
writes that although her daughter was permitted as part of the deal
to visit the shrine if she ever felt the need, she never did. “And
I only went twice.” In the sequel, his son proves much more
adaptable to the loss of his pacifier than his father’s fears ever
conceived. Scribner derived a profitable lesson as a result: “We
fathers run the risk of projecting our own worries onto our
children to the point that we TEACH them to make a big deal out of
things.”

Any parent will resonate with the admirably straightforward tale of
the hole in the heart of Scribner’s daughter Abby. Frey manages to
distill a number of truths from a relatively routine hospital visit
with his son. And any father will thank Scribner for his
thoughtful exploration of the differences in his interactions with
his children when his wife is nearby. He notes that nonsense and
silliness are prominent features of his fathering, and he is more
natural and spontaneous in expressing these and other aspects of
his parenting style when his wife is away. To contribute most
effectively to the joint venture of parenting, fathers first need
to get clear on their identities as dads, which we often must
struggle long and hard to define in a healthy way.

The quality and level of insight provided by the segments varies
considerably; a number seem dispensable. The individual tales’
brevity, with none of them extending beyond four or five pages and
many even shorter, also proves a mixed blessing. The book’s
accessibility may be enhanced by the limited attention span
required for each chapter, and yet necessarily we never are allowed
too far into whatever process is being described. We get a taste,
and some of the tastes are very appealing indeed. Some chapters
might have been better left in the father’s personal archives, as
with Scribner’s somewhat smug tale of what a great job he did
teaching his daughter how to ride a bicycle.

In the end, this book should probably be read and appreciated for
what it DOES offer. Wisdom can come from the most unexpected
places, such as the night Frey spent awake with his vomiting
daughter, which led him to understand more fully “the difference
between loving my children and LOVING MY OPPORTUNITY TO FATHER
THEM.” He learned that when he is away from his children, “I miss
them not so much because we are apart, but because of what we are
together.” Whether you are a father or not, you can easily get by
without the gems intermittently yet regularly shining in this
book’s pages. But why would you want to?


J. Steven Svoboda is a performance artist, poet, and a human rights lawyer who is Executive Director of Attorneys for the Rights of the Child, which he founded in 1997.

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FatherTime:
Stories on the Heart and Soul of Fathering

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