Learning How To Do It

I've been a full-time dad for close to five years now. I've got two great kids-Taylor, five, who just started kindergarten, and Emma who's gaining on two and a half. My wife Robin works full-time as a USPS rural letter carrier. Like many of the dads mentioned in your newsletter, I fell into this situation through serendipity. I was a professional musician/songwriter/recording engineer making a meager living at my own home studio while my wife pulled in the steady paycheck and benefits of a "real job." When Taylor came along, there was no question to who would stay home-me. I thought then, "Gee, this'll be great-take care of Taylor, write music, work and perform evenings and weekends!" Little did I realize how much time childcare takes and how much energy it drains out of you!

When Emma came along, my career as a professional musician pretty much dried up and blew away. I no longer had the undisturbed blocks of time, not the requisite mental energy to write music. I was too pooped at the end of the day to rehearse, let along perform at gigs. It was with some regret that I realized that John, the professional musician, was no more. Since then, however, I've developed another at-home occupation-graphic design-that fits more easily into the routine of care-giving. I work early in the morning (my kids are late sleepers, bless them!), and during Emma's naps, and in the evenings. Sometimes I feel I'm burning my candle at both ends, but, on balance, it's a good set up. I get the twin satisfactions of being with my kids every day and having a "job" that lets me be creative and productive.

Creative and Productive-yes, sometimes I wonder about this curse that has beguiled our gender. Increasingly, our society dictates that a man's sense of self-worth should lie largely in what he does for a "living" and how much he earns (women are finding this as well, I believe-one of the more dubious fruits of equality). Taking such a nontraditional role as an at-home dad required some soul searching and quelling of demons, and I went through the process for several years. Funny how when my design business began to be successful, I began to feel much more comfortable with my role...

One big help for me as a dad has been the support of the community in which we've lived for the past ten years. Huntington is a small rural Vermont town of 1400 people, and my wife and I established solid network of friends in the area BC (Before Children). Though we were the first of our closest circle of friends to have children, over the past five years it seems that all of our friends have at least two kids. Now our parties and gatherings teem with kids from newborns to nine-year-olds. Since most of our parents' friendships were formed before kids came along, our bonds are strong, caring and supportive, and we get together often for playgroups or just to break the routine of day-to-day alone with the kids. We're indeed fortunate to live in such a community at a time when, if the media are to be believed, a sense of community is what is lacking in so many families' lives.