The Labor Movement:
A Fathers Guide

page two

In the movies, the car pulls up to the emergency entrance and a staff of doctors and nurses rush out with wheelchairs, flowers, they check the oil, kick the tires and take the woman inside for a speedy delivery. As I pulled up to the entrance, it was more like a scene from the movie "The Day After". The area was desolate and lifeless....the stillness of the night broken only by the occasional cricket. Whenever I'm in an eerie silence, I take notice of the same thing.....I have to go to the bathroom! But I can't yet! I have a job to do!

I walked my wife inside only to notice the Marx Brothers sitting behind the reception desk. "Watta you name?" asked Chico.

"Doug Powe...."

"Honk Honk!" Harpo interrupted. I knew he wanted us to follow him.

I do exaggerate a bit. Our orderly was more along the line of Jerry Lewis in "The Disorderly Orderly". "Hello nice lady...let's have us a BAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYBBBEEEEEE!!"

As we reached what will hereafter be known as "the room", we settled in. The time was about three in the morning, so I knew what that meant. All the first year interns would be on duty. What I had not realized is that the nurses and interns do all the work throughout the labor. Then, the doctor comes in to pitch the last out of the bottom of the ninth and gets credit for the win.

One thing I learned from my first experience in the delivery room was that you can take that Lamaze instruction book and put it next to other books of similar usefulness. "Sportsmanship Made Easy" by Mike Tyson and "Make Your Marriage Work" by Elizabeth Taylor would round out your bookshelf. I DID try the techniques I was taught in the Lamaze class at first. "O.k., honey, HEE HEE, HOO HOO.....like that.....c'mon, you can do it...HEE HEE, HOO HOO!"

"Gasp, gulp, you...choke.....jerk...gulp..."

"No, no, honey, like this...HEE HEE HOO HOO..."

"Shut up and get the damned epidural guy in here before you get a fetal monitor up your a--!"

I feverishly flipped to the index of the Lamaze book. "Shut up...shut up...what to do if she threatens me with an enema of equipment." It wasn't in there! The book went in the trash, along with the fetal monitor!

Oh, what a glorious invention, the epidural! My wife went from angry, nut crunching psychosis to nice, sleepy, steady and boring. Sinead O'Connor to Mr. Rogers in five easy minutes! After that, the pain was transferred to me. I felt as though my head would explode.

From what I gathered during the delivery, telling a woman not to push is like telling Dom DeLouise not to touch the last slice of pizza in the fridge. I don't even know why they waste their breath. The more my wife pushed, the closer my child came to the world outside its cozy, heated Utero-condominium. Soon I could see the top of the head. I suddenly felt like I was in a nature film. I couldn't believe what I was looking at! I thought Jim Fowler was right next to me with a tranquilizer gun. Thankfully, though, I was not fearful, but fascinated.

With the baby almost out, we were ready to take the hill! One final push and my child was out! Covered in....stuff. Slime, goop, the plate off a '72 Pinto, cords, parts, everything! I hoped the child looked better once it had its first shower. I was elated, my wife was elated and exhausted, and we had a child.

I now have two children and a third on the way. Though the awe of the birthing experience remains a constant, the delivery experiences always vary, and the end result is the miracle of life. I often see people upset and selfishly annoyed at the idea of having children. All I can tell you is that the enrichment they will bring you is immeasurable, and your love is returned tenfold. In a world so full of agony, pain and turmoil.....what's a little poop?